Manscaping: Down Under

April 06, 2014

    One of my favorite articles to write for Men's Rio Magazine was the "Manscaping: Down Under" article that was featured in the 2014 April issue. I got to (drunk) interview my friends during Spring Break... making for some great answers. Check out what women have to say about male grooming

Manscaping: Down Under
The average fast food patron consumes 12 pubic hairs a year, 
but women have it much worse. 


      A new trend of men’s grooming is combing through the nation, and women are starting to expect the same attention to be paid to the gardens growing in your pants. With a variety of haircuts now popping up, I decided to get on my knees and examine women’s pubic enemy #1.

     For those of you who don’t know—and some of you really don’t—pubic hair is the pillow that provides the soft landing for your girlfriend. Often times, women have to deal with men that evolved from bears, rather than apes. A full bush could mean the awkward game of playing hide and go seek with the tiger lost in the jungle. Then there is the boyfriend that after a fight decides to trim his hedge into the shape of an eagle with open wings—true story. And let’s not forget the guy who thinks he’s The Illusionist. Shaving it off may cause it to look bigger, but it certainly doesn’t feel bigger, David Copperfield.

     According to ScientificAmerica.com, “Pubic hair acts as a sort of blinking marquee,” a contrast so vivid against a hairless body that it actually aids in advertising a man’s junk. The below-the-belt afro also works like a net that catches pheromones, which is a chemical substance masked as a scent that attracts the opposite sex. Sex Panther Cologne, anyone? Although an au naturel bush that resembles a Brillo Pad may be science, it’s not a female’s opinion. In fact, not all women voted bush in this election. So if you want a woman to beat around the bush (get it?), it’s best to first understand what women want, Bropunzel.



Have you ever seen bush that turns you off?
“Yes! But it should not be completely naked though.” –Gabby, 22 
“No. You can usually tell by the person if they’re going to be shaved. If you’re fat, you probably have something nasty.” –Dayna, 23* 
“It’s not ok when you feel like you have a mustache on.” –Jennifer, 23

Does a lot of hair down there translate to masculinity?
“No.” –Jacqui, 21 
“Classiness verses trashiness.” –Jennifer, 23 
“It translates to laziness.” –Gabby, 22

What do you think about men that have more pubic hair than head hair?
“It makes men seem older.” –Vanessa, 22 
“Oh my god. Sometimes the hair there is as long as their package.” –Marla, 22 
“Well that’s weird. It’s disorganized. It’s like, where did all this hair come from? Why can’t it be on your head? ” –Jacqui, 21

Should a man’s gardens be grown into a jungle, trimmed to perfection, or burned to the grown?
“Anything except really hairy. Trimed or like nothing is ok.” –Kelsey, 21 
“I don’t mind if it’s naked…” –Claudia, 22

How do you feel about men who expect you to be clean-shaven down south but don’t want to groom themselves?
“He has some explaining to do.” –Gaby, 22 
“I’ve never had that happen to me.” –Jacqui, 21 
“Maybe if it was some fetish, you know? Like the hairy liking the unhairy.” –Jennifer, 23 
“If you sniff it and it smell like coochi fried rice, don’t unzip the pants.” –Dayna, 23*

Does a bar of soap with a man’s pubes make you happy?
“The thought of that makes me want to gag. Anyone’s pubes on any bar of soap is gross.” –Kelsey, 21
“That’s why you should live with someone before you marry them.” –Sarah, 32

If he shaped his pubic hair it into a kitty, would you be more likely to pet it?
“Gross. No. If it was a dog… maybe.” –Jacqui, 21 
“I HATE CATS.” –Kelsey, 21 
“Actually, I would be pretty impressed. That takes skill.” –Jennifer, 23

***Requested name changed for privacy purposes.


Grooming How To

     If you’ll be presenting your goods to a lover for the first time or for the first time in years, make sure to know how she likes it. We mean, make sure you know if she prefers Harry Potter or the Bald Eagle. Abel Natividad, hair stylist at Spago Salon in McAllen, gives professional tips on how to tame, trim, and even wax your favorite body part.

Trimmed Tom
Keep pubic hair groomed by using scissors. Able suggests, “Be very careful around the testicle area, because one wrong move and that’s it!” Avoid using the office scissors or grandmothers sewing scissors, please.
If you want a method that gives a more even look, use a clipper ($59 at Sally’s Beauty Supply). According to Able, this will allow you, “to get as close as possible, because hair in the genital area is not as long as the hair on your head. You would want to use a 1” or 2” guard.” Don’t just do this on your first couple runs with a new girl. Be consistent by doing this every month or so.

Naked Willie
     To begin with, Abel advises, “Do not use Nair! It will sting and throb for about a week.” If you decide to create the ultimate optical illusion by removing all the hair around the area, waxing for men is available at spas like Spago Salon & Spa in McAllen, which offers female and male professionals to get the job done. Abel expands on why some men prefer waxing, “Some men wax for hygiene. Men tend to want to take off as much hair off the body, because it’s not as hot so you don’t release as much sweat.”
     If you’re saving your spare change, use a new razor. I can’t imagine Tetanus is much fun. Abuse the shaving cream or consider trying pre-shave oil, like Dessert Essence Jojoba Oil ($12 on Amazon), which helps reduce razor friction and irritation. Shave in small areas with a sharp razor. Be patient—remember you’re protecting the family jewels! Apply baby powder after to reduce itching.

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